Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Stalker Credentials

Randomly thought up while getting ice cream with a gay friend who's been scouting every piece of ass that walks on campus.

"Maybe I deserve to get a restraining order, eh?"
"A teacher has to have their credentials to teach, right? So what's a stalker without a few restraining orders?"

Mind you, I am also certified by way of learning disorder to give out terrible advice. My prescriptions come in either hugs, candy, or hours of coloring with crayons.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hateraid Tidal Wave

Ok, so despite the fact that I'm up to my eyeballs in work to finish at school, I've been OBSESSED with The Hipster Grifter. In short, she's basically a run-of-the-mill poster child for Urban Outfitters that managed to swindle, lie, and cheat a couple people out of some dollars ($60K) and some credibility (Vice magazine hired her on the spot based on her manufactured charm and one "bloviated"* chest tattoo. Not surprising.)

The thing that gets me the most about this chick is the fact that she screwed a bunch of people over based on some pretty inane attributes: Working as a pr tool for a masturbatory art-rag, owning terribly self-conscious tattoos (almost equivalent to people who wear 'effing fedoras at night), and bootlegging more comedic material from Family Guy than a Chinese lady hawking burned DVDs from a suitcase!

However, with the way things proliferate and spawn via the internet she'll somehow get some kind of monetary deal and basically become the hipster equivalent of Tila Tequila-- replete with all the vapid social constructs for the "Parody-of-every-other-generation-Generation" to stuff bills down her proverbial, hand-job-giving mouth*-- ultimately prolonging her obvious sociopathological problem.

* the word "bloviate" was used by this chick in an apologetic email she sent to people who actually felt bad for her. But its all tea and sympathy till she makes you cash checks that bounce, lie about having cancer, and you know, be wanted by the SLC Police on multiple theft and fraud charges because she was too perfect a mix of insane/lazy to just be responsible, honest, and get a job.

* her catchphrase has been "I want to give you a hand-job with my mouth <3 Korean Abdul-Jamar."

Conversely, I want to punch her face with my foot. ESPECIALLY since her craziness has been eating up all my internet time. Can someone just turn her in to the cops already?!