shitmas two-thousand four

a brief snyopsis of the evening:

worked from 6 am to 2 pm, as med-staff, working alongside my gay friend alex. wherein we both complained about our lovers and later, stumbled upon a garbage load of narcotics.

broke up with steven "because he's going through tough times and i need to understand"

managed to seamlessly deposit money at the bank, buy antique stuff, buy a treadmill for mom at wal-mart (steven, while helping me load my stuff into his car, runs into some old friends and introduces me as just, "becky.")

drive out to pasednea, buy craploads at UO.

go home, shower, dress, and wrap mostly everything.

drive to see a very missed ken-chan. hung out for a nice while.

ken-chan drives me off to mikes-- sparkle the family with my oriental delight-- complain to mike on his couch about recent events regarding steven.

drove to stevens-- felt akward, unappreciated and stupid. also, felt lonely and unwanted.

met with dale atop his drive way, gave hugs, small whimper of a cry, and gifts pertainint g to said narcotics.

didn't say bye to steven.

went to midnight mass. felt completely devoid of anything. really just went there to give mom her coat and walk with her.

walked alone to my car shivering in the cold.

on my home, decide to stop by jeffs. knock on his bedroom window several times. he finally wakes up (apparently was sleeping quielty beside kemi) talked for a bit-- gave him two darvocet and one vicodin. bid goodnight.

went home. talked to david for awhile. ate old vegetables and took a vicodin for myself.

presntly, am at computer. somewhat hating steven/hating myself because i realized while at church that i wasn't very loving or affectionate in the end-- and him leaning in to kiss me wouldn't have made a fucking difference in the course of this stupid journey he's trying to undertake.

wokr aagain in a less than three hours.

merry christmas.