it's like pancakes, yo.

Internet Time-Machine

2009-12-04T12:44:00.001-08:00

Let's revisit an old list that I had posted almost three years ago:

My new year's resolutions remain constant since they always remain unaccomplished:

1. Exercise daily.
2. Become Vegetarian (or Seafarian? I still like to eat the ocean animals.)
3. Attend another college other than Mt. Sac.
4. Move out.
5. Spend less.
6. Sew for $$$.
7. Walk my own dog more often.
8. Avoid chocolate for at least five days. C'MON!
9. Maintain a consistent sketchbook.
10. Call people back more. I MEAN C'MON!

So, in light of three years passing, what has changed exactly?

1. Exercise daily.
This is an on-again off-again thing. Earlier this summer I was running an average of 3 miles a day and doing 45 mile bike rides. Now? I eat bowls of curry and pass out on my floor.
2. Become Vegetarian (or Seafarian? I still like to eat the ocean animals.)
NOPE. My love for meat is as romantic as a Jennifer Aniston movie.
3. Attend another college other than Mt. Sac.
I graduate from CalArts in less than TWO WEEKS! Now onto a gaping debt and forever graphic designing!
4. Move out.
Currently live in Valencia, CA. Soul is still somewhat intact despite looming corporate conglomerates on every peach-colored stuccoed corner.
5. Spend less.
This is only partially achieved considering that I never have any money to spend.
6. Sew for $$$.
Working on this. I'd probably make more if I just exchanged $$$ for 8==D
7. Walk my own dog more often.
Hester died two years ago so here's to bringing back painful memories!
8. Avoid chocolate for at least five days. C'MON!
Dumb list item.
9. Maintain a consistent sketchbook.
NOPE. But I'm always sitting in front of a computer meddling with things in either InDesign or Illustrator. If that counts for any "creativity-massage."
10. Call people back more. I MEAN C'MON!
LOLZ. 'Riding a unicorn everyday' would've been a more achievable goal.

Stalker Credentials

2009-04-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

Randomly thought up while getting ice cream with a gay friend who's been scouting every piece of ass that walks on campus.

"Maybe I deserve to get a restraining order, eh?"
"A teacher has to have their credentials to teach, right? So what's a stalker without a few restraining orders?"

Mind you, I am also certified by way of learning disorder to give out terrible advice. My prescriptions come in either hugs, candy, or hours of coloring with crayons.

Hateraid Tidal Wave

2009-04-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so despite the fact that I'm up to my eyeballs in work to finish at school, I've been OBSESSED with The Hipster Grifter. In short, she's basically a run-of-the-mill poster child for Urban Outfitters that managed to swindle, lie, and cheat a couple people out of some dollars ($60K) and some credibility (Vice magazine hired her on the spot based on her manufactured charm and one "bloviated"* chest tattoo. Not surprising.)

The thing that gets me the most about this chick is the fact that she screwed a bunch of people over based on some pretty inane attributes: Working as a pr tool for a masturbatory art-rag, owning terribly self-conscious tattoos (almost equivalent to people who wear 'effing fedoras at night), and bootlegging more comedic material from Family Guy than a Chinese lady hawking burned DVDs from a suitcase!

However, with the way things proliferate and spawn via the internet she'll somehow get some kind of monetary deal and basically become the hipster equivalent of Tila Tequila-- replete with all the vapid social constructs for the "Parody-of-every-other-generation-Generation" to stuff bills down her proverbial, hand-job-giving mouth*-- ultimately prolonging her obvious sociopathological problem.

* the word "bloviate" was used by this chick in an apologetic email she sent to people who actually felt bad for her. But its all tea and sympathy till she makes you cash checks that bounce, lie about having cancer, and you know, be wanted by the SLC Police on multiple theft and fraud charges because she was too perfect a mix of insane/lazy to just be responsible, honest, and get a job.

* her catchphrase has been "I want to give you a hand-job with my mouth <3 Korean Abdul-Jamar."

Conversely, I want to punch her face with my foot. ESPECIALLY since her craziness has been eating up all my internet time. Can someone just turn her in to the cops already?!

I am Dr. Phil of Drunk Dials

2009-03-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

Steven only calls me when he is drunk (I don't blame him, as my humor is only fully appreciated by brains completely soaked in booze.) The funny thing about him calling me the other night, was that I still to this day have not yet saved his new number on my cell phone-- so every time he calls I mistake him for A) some random O.G. that I've been exchanging texts with, who has not yet fully realized that I'm not his homie by the name of 'G-Money' or B) Ingraham, who has decided to cut off all communication with me because of my extreme flakiness (this is true) and that he wanted to remove the only hilarious female ethnic to ever grace his white-male existence (also, TRUE!)

Anyway, I totally thought Steven was the aforementioned Ingraham and got all hopeful and happy that he wanted to talk to me again-- which was obvs. not the case. However, despite the slight confusion and initial drunken chuckles, we were able to have a nice long conversation about how fucked up his obsession with ex-girlfriends is (i.e. how calling them to leave long, whiny, guilt-filled voice mails-- we concluded-- is not the best way to get her back) and ultimately, how much we've both changed since we were 21 (and for the most part, not with each other any more.)

Maybe I was so kind with him because he's on the other side of the country and no longer in my life (maybe?) or because so much has happened to me in terms of forgiveness, patience, and death in the past 4 years-- that I can't afford to keep chips on my shoulder any more. For the most part, it felt good to console and empathize the very same person that I had some of the worst fights in my life with. It felt good to return back to the friends we used to be; staying up late with a bottle of Gold Label, talking obsessively about Star Wars, legos, and failed relationships-- but being fully aware that we are never, ever meant to be together again.

I told him that every moment we're alone is for the betterment of ourselves-- because no matter who you've been with or for however long, the road after you die is one made all by yourself.

He told me that was the most "Dr. Phil" advice he'd ever heard.

"I'm glad I called you."

Project Proposal

2009-03-13T01:41:00.000-07:00

Just an excerpt of a recent proposal I sent out to a teacher at school:

A large amount of my art making practice here at CalArts deals with
packaging design and the psychology of how we as zombie-consumers approach
"packaged" materials; specifically as to how a container can effect the
buyers behavior/attention, regardless of the quality/importance of the
containers contents.

In response to the overwhelming amount of damage inflicted onto the
equipment of the Print Lab-- despite Orientation attendance/acknowledged
fear of Dansby's Wrath-- I want to create a comprehensive "packet" of lab
info that students can keep either on hand (pocket-sized brochure) or
receive upon attending orientation (potato-chip-sized package with
booklet). The packet will re-iterate info already present on the print lab
website, but I will attempt to re-contextualize the information in a
booklet that is easy to read/access. In regards to packaging, I want to
create a simple, but curiously stylized packet that will entice students
to further understand the responsibilities & policies of the print lab--
if not grind it into their skulls that precious dollars/kitties are wasted
away each day whenever something breaks and/or is irresponsibly handled.

A futile task? Most likely-- but for the record I once completely sold-out packets of my own hair and nail clippings for $1-- all as a result of how the items were
packaged. Doesn't say much about the students of CalArts, but it makes as
a funny story.

I don't want to be busy on my CalArts dime anymore-- despite my classes already lacking in terms of actual "schoolwork." I'm currently welding my own bike frame (see also: spending way more money as opposed to just buying a finished one) avoiding work on my interdisp. grant project, and managing a sewing club at school.

But all i really REALLY want to do: watch Battlestar Gallactica. And. Eat. Chocolate.

It's Been Awhile...

2009-02-13T19:47:00.001-08:00

Drunk-chan
Originally uploaded by koo koo ka choo

School and work have been consistently busting my ass along with screwing up my entire system of prioritizing. I have a mid-residency review, two performances, and three projects I'm helping people develop all due in less than a month. Time to go on-line and look up how to make cute paper kittens for about 6-7 hours."

I finally got to posting a hilarious video of Ken-chan SLIGHTLY drunk off his rocker. He made it through the night just fine (save a bucket or two of vomit-- on me) and we've now moved on to being just fine, responsible adults.

Currently working on a website of my work and sending out an aging package due for a loved cousin up in Seattle ;) Got a chunky grant to use my vending machine as a lo-fi database for distributing/sharing student work. More on that soon. In the meantime, check out Drunky-chan!

Portland, OR a.k.a. the Israel for vegans!

2008-07-06T04:40:00.000-07:00

My two-week (totally out of budget) trip up to Portland was nice-- the weather was as amicable and sweet as all the people encountered, with lots of local food co-ops and environmental consciousness, vegetarianism, lush landscape, and bike lanes abound! However, I have to admit that after one and a half weeks of eating nothing but tempeh, quinoa, and tofu'd out EVERYTHING-- I kind of found myself staring idly at small animals with mouth slightly agape and watering. For the first time in my life I was overwhelmed with vegetarian options-- which at first was refreshing and different, but in the end proved to be a little cumbersome for my pallet. I didn't want a bloody slab of steak and I didn't want to pay $10 for a sandwich with fish. There seemed to be no happy medium aside from prowling Portland's parks with a squirrel-sized spear. In the end, David and I managed on homemade pizzas with ingredients purchased from trader joes (tofurky italian sausage: the 'methadone' for your meat withdrawals) and were guided by his sister's roommates to cheap, charming, and meat-friendly cafes.

Our train back to L.A. Union Station took about 30hrs. Yes. THIRTY. Had it not been for chili-mango snacks, mad libs, and the voluminous Chabon* novel-- I would've most likely wound up ripping both my eyeballs and hair with great aplomb. We had to purchase bike boxes to haul our bicycles back to LA, but for $40-- a pair of huge un-padded cardboard coffins was not a deal in the least. We had tried beforehand to obtain used bike boxes from a Portland bike shop, but when it came down to placing our bikes inside them it was either dismember the bikes, or ship ourselves in the box and put our cycles in our train seats.

When I finally arrived home my mom and I went out to Garden Cafe in Rowland Heights. It felt good to eat cheap/tasty seafood chow mien at 1 am while simultaneously be bombarded in a room full of asians. While in Portland, I came across a guy who spoke negatively about L.A. (he even went so far as to ask me which Chinatown I've been to-- totally unbeknownst to my reference of the shangri-la trifecta: Monterey Park, Alhambra, and Arcadia.) While I can totally see from an environmental perspective how easy it is to hate L.A. (our cars, our smog, our pollution) Portland could never hold a candle to the rich, layered, often tangled ethnic mix I've always grown up to know L.A. for. And besides, there are eco-villages sprouting up in L.A. with tons of bike kitchens to boot-- so that means something must be evolving in the ways of achieving the same environmental smugness that for now, only Oregon can claim.

The gas prices, hot weather, and real estate however, is another story entirely.

* While reading Chabon's "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" I tired to imagine along what each of the protagonists would look like visually. After several chapters of reading into what kind of character Sammy Clay would be-- I immediately thought of Tobey Maguire as reference. Fast-forward 18 hours later and I discover this:

In January 2005, Chabon posted on his web site that, "about a month ago, there was a very brief buzzing, as of a fruit fly, around the film version of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. It was a casting-buzz. It went like this: Tobey Maguire as Sam Clay. Jamie Bell as Joe Kavalier.

WEIRD! Though for Joe Kavalier I was thinking more of Adrien Brody. Then again, who ISN'T thinking of Adrien?

Reason #435 Why Trends Are Retarded

2008-05-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

Where Some See Fashion, Others See Politics

Some notable quotes:

“That’s so cheap of Urban, a PR gambit,” she said. “But I think it’s great that this controversy will get kids to start learning about it.”

“I’m not too up to speed in what’s going on in the Middle East,” said Liz Chernett, a strategic consultant in branding and a youth trends expert who bought a kaffiyeh from a vendor on St. Mark’s Place three months ago. “It’s an aesthetic thing.”

One of the main reasons I don't keep up with fashion anymore is because it has been gutted of all it's meaning and significance; because of the proliferation of the internet, trends die as fast as they are created with nothing to show for other than a bloated clearance rack and random encounters with girls all wearing the same thing at different times. What ISN'T cheap of Urban-- from the overseas origins of their products to the 'individualist' image they sell in droves. How ironic it is to critique such a company of spitting out a PR gambit when the very women that wear these scarves make the excuse, 'Don't blame me for not keeping up with world issues! I was just following along because It's an aesthetic thing.'

I would throw the keffiyeh in with leggings, babydoll dresses, and anything/everything stilleto-heeled & metallic-- not necessarily because these things are now worn by everyone and their grandmother, but because there is far more to clothing than what is sold in (both cheap and expensive) stores. Nothing is esoteric anymore in fashion because the internet duplicates trends faster than Michael Keaton in Multiplicity-- with a mentally retarded off-product always being thrown in the mix.

/END RANDOM FASHION RANT

Addendum: "... I'm not really interested in being on the best-dressed list. I like to be on the worst dressed too. It's a fantastic place to be, and I'm in good company if I'm there. I think they know the adventure of dressing, and I'm not concerned about what's going to make me be considered fashionable. The people I admire, such as John Galliano and Jean Paul Gaultier, are eccentrics. And they aren't trying to be like everyone else. We have a lot in common that way, and we know that what makes us different is what makes us good.

I see women on the street and one of the things that inspires me is when I see someone who has blue eye shadow on and you can tell she's been wearing her makeup the same way since 1965. I'm inspired by women who have held on to their look they know themselves, and they wear what they want to wear despite what fashion dictates.

- Dita Von Teese

If Lazy smelled bad, then I stink

2008-05-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Even conjuring enough motivation to write in this thing proves to be the most tedious of tasks! Since coming back from camping in Utah, in addition to my mom going to Florida, I've had the house all to myself with ZERO interest in getting things done. It's such a refreshing change from the pace of school-- I had almost forgotten what it was like to wake up everyday with NO SENSE OF PURPOSE.

The best feeling ever! Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling with completely blank and meaningless thoughts (i.e. should I add pear as a pizza toping today?, are there more youtube videos of Bigfoot that I haven't seen yet?)

I should get back to my studio this week to work on stuff for APE in November-- not to mention my gallery show in October, but how is it possible when there are tons of hours left in this month to IDLE?!

Things To Think About Doing Today:

1. Clean out garage for yard sale.
2. Put my wet laundry in the dryer.
3. Finish comic for Bianca
4. Send Esmerelda her dress.
5. Upload photos from trip.
6. Put up Playmobil stuff on Ebay.
7. Get Smog Check and wheel alignment done.

Things Actually Done:

1. Eat another home-made pizza concoction.
2. Play more Typing of the Dead.
3. Stay up till 3 a.m. watching youtube on Bigfoot and reading about lithification of rocks.

conversations

2008-05-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

A: I want to go to Ikea today to buy a desk.
B: I want to go pet miniature ponies.
A: You just made that up.

B: Miniature ponies ARE REAL.

Journey to Ass-Hat Land

2008-04-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

I am going to undertake what initially feels like the most ass-reaming art project of my entire life: Creating, formatting, and integrating my own personal IRS-type filing system. When an idea for a piece is formed, either by sketchbook, conversation, or random doodle, I will require myself to fill out customized forms-- carefully documenting the idea in progress from 'bubble-in medium(s) used' to a color-coded source material appendix (the list of my OCD goes on.)

I had great/awkward conversation with my mentor earlier about the project at hand-- it was awkward because I'm supposed to be schilling out paintings and shit, only to begin our morning meeting by handing him a piece of paper that looked like a dated accounting form. "It'll be interesting to see what you'll actually make from this," (I can't tell if he's being facetious or genuinely intrigued at this point) "it makes me wonder if you'll create the pieces from the form, or be driven to confine them to the very nature of the form."

TRU DAT, sir! Only superbly refined idiots such as myself will be able to determine the cause of this proposed effect.

I know I've had five months to make stuff-- to paint things/themes/whatever-- but the motivation to actually create any of it never really crystallized until now, when I am filled with enough sado-masochism to subjugate myself to a limitless and absolutely pointless filing system that has no other application or meaning to the outside world.

Excessive amounts of energy wasted-- or STORY OF OUR LIVES?!

Distraction Subtraction

2008-04-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

Bought a 3 lb. bag of Haribo gummy bears and spent most of Wednesday afternoon sitting on the soccer field with Miggy-- eating said bears, looking for ladybugs, and writing our conversation on a paper towel. FINALLY! An azn sista to talk with about food, random snacks, and small animals dressed in people clothes (think about why you are friends with me-- these are true friend-requirements, yes?)

On Thursday's gallery, Dawn and Jeff came up to visit/survey the insanity of our campus. There was a decent (for ska) band from Riverside that showed up to play, replete with it's circa '97 gwen stefani doppelgangers, skanking in circles. Creepy Skin-Head Man with Raver Pants was out and about too-- and for some odd reason, was always trying to get into our circle of conversation to talk about Atari Teenage Riot and Doom Generation.

On Friday night, I went on the Inland Empire Critical Mass ride-- had some Dippin' Dots and later spent the evening evading a small police cart. We later got pulled over by a real police car and had to line up along the sidewalk all OG-style (no cuffs though.) After getting cited for running a stop sign I'm apparently never allowed in Victoria Gardens ever again (which is fine considering gas prices as of late, and the fact that every shop in that shitty outdoor mall has an online store.)

I am dying in class right now; totally getting the palsy-shakes from lack of no food. I want to head-butt a chocolate-peanut butter pie and then have a chile-relleno burrito. I have so much work to do before this semester ends (3 weeks left) but all I want to do is make like a cat and sleep for hours under someones couch.

three years (of crazy)

2008-04-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm too old for this: drinking semi-heavily (semi, because I can't seem to recall how heavy) for the past four days straight. Befriending MFA Writers who all suffer from some sort of F. Scoot Fitzgerald drinking habit-- proves not be in my best interest in terms of getting work done. Sometimes I feel as if their thesis readings are just intellectually-veiled excuses to get trashed and listen to Dr. Dre's Tha Chronic ("After tons of drunk dancing: Dialog on cultural representation in Rap music.") Everything about this system is a brilliant, accessible, and terrible burrito-o-insanity. For this, nothing on my to-do list gets to-do'ed.

Errands, so many errands for today. The more cumbersome the errand I have to wrestle (i.e. piles of laundry, taxes, smog check) the more enticing it is to type random journal entries and read about all the ways I can mix Pisco! into my Pandapple container. Am I experiencing late onset college frosh syndrome? I stare at my wine-stained sweater cuffs and sit in disbelief; I thought I got all of this shit out of my system long ago (take two angry filipinos, three parts alcohol, one part drug abuse, shake roughly with a twist of live-art = 2003 - 2004. oh yeah, and lots of unreasonable sobbing.)

Diana, Shin, and I are shooting for APE this Winter. Seeing that each of us are frequenting our own little dark places this year; Diana knifing her brains out in Las Vegas, Shin wanting to knife that recluse of an investment banker, and myself-- stabbing my liver. What's not to fuel our creativity in the form of cute, pastel-colored, crap-nobody-needs-but-feels-compelled-to-buy-anyway? YES! So let's make a 'zine together, yeah? This boat is a-sinkin' so it's time to start paddling!

don't hate me, hate my booty

2008-03-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

School is time-consuming (surprise) but also is the Whole Foods Salad Bar section (legume-on-legume ORGY.)

Recent obsessions:

- Leslie Hall
- Wood paper
- Serging cat outfits in my studio, when I should totally be painting something.

I PUT THE ROD IN PRODUCTIVE.

pot, a large cookie, and assholery

2008-02-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I met a guy named Nick who also ended up being another 25 year old floating around CalArts with a slightly perturbed look on his face (i am not alone!) While hanging out in my studio he runs into another friend (named Monkey?) and we all end up smoking a LOT of pot.

Within minutes, like ants to picnic, the smell of weed attracts a handful of other students in the adjacent studios and before I fully realize it, there are about ten of us standing around discussing the subtleties of weed appellation and taste. Being around so many strangers, completely toasted off my ass, I felt really uncomfortable and kept wishing I was at home in bed, with a cat sleeping on my face. After somehow making my way to the cafeteria with Monkey, I end up ordering a quesadilla and fries (demolishing them in minutes) and wander my way over to a table of more familiar friends who invite me to go to the sauna with them (CalArts has a sauna?) I digress but still walk with them in the freezing cold to get some ice cream.

Everything else that follows is really just a series of pot-infused paranoia. David, bless him, is the worst liar known to mankind-- so his attempt to buy me a large valentine's day cookie as a surprise was totally misinterpreted by my stoned-ass as some sort of "OMG IS HE CHEATING ON ME?!" tirade. In a panic I call Danny, who calmly reminds me that I'm both high, retarded, and that Valentines Day is tomorrow,

"First of all, you're the Church of Becky to David."
"But what if he finds me falliable?! What if he gets all Martin Luther on me and posts a list of complaints on my church doors?!"
"If you think he's cheating and you try to call him out on it tonight, you're going to look like an pot-smoking asshole."

(David bought me a large heart-shaped cookie after deciding not to buy me a wireless apple keyboard & mouse, "It wouldn't have been very useful since you just use a laptop. I figured I'd just get the cookie because it reminded me of that story you told me of when you finished off a huge cookie your brother's girlfriend made for him on Valentines Day.")

MY ASSHOLE QUOTIENT OF THE YEAR = COMPLETE.

requisite avoiding-work quiz

2008-01-30T01:48:00.000-08:00

I am considered 64% Geek according to the standards established by this quiz. Though, looking back at the first few questions that I answered-- do I really need to give myself a percentile if I can immediately answer Star Wars (It was Greedo who shot first, THEN Han) and Star Trek: Next Generation (Ferengi have excellent hearing, hence their huge ears) trivia? How did I ever get guys to go out with me?!

I put partial blame on my older brother; we hung out A LOT when we were kids. Also, the first car accident I was ever involved in was with him and his girlfriend (who could speak KLINGON!) while we were all on our way to a Star Trek convention in Pasadena.

Looking back again, how did my brother ever get married?

$400 rent to be someone's "life coach"...

2008-01-10T00:32:00.000-08:00

David and I are both still on waiting lists for housing; the ladies at the CalArts housing office remain both unusually optimistic and extremely vague, "We are 300% almost certain that you'll maybe get housing next week!"

After the school (dis)orientation, we looked around at apartments outside of campus and managed to only find a guy who was offering a literal closet for $700 a month (upon meeting him for the first time he immediately quipped without hesitation, "Yeah so like, I smoke pot. I have a medical card for it though, so yeah.") Not only was he barefoot when he met us in the parking lot, but his hands also had a yellow tint to them.

SHADY.

One of the art program directors seemed to sympathize with our last-minute housing dilemma and referred us to a korean guy who was renting out a master bedroom for only $570 including utilities. We're going to look at the place once I sign up for classes today (a task which in itself is going to be the shittiest of shit-storms-- judging by the slightly confused look on the admission director's face upon explaining the class sign-up "process.") All the practicums I wanted to take are full and to make things even more retarded, since I'm coming in as a second semester 3rd year, I'm already somehow expected to know what the hell to do (...lay face down on the floor?!)

I want to be excited about school, but I can't seem to gather any enthusiasm without knowing for sure that I'll have a place to live in. The frenzied search for rooms and the limited window I have to move shit around grows smaller and smaller each passing day. These next few days leading up to Monday are already covered in insanity: class sign-up, bianca's birthday, finding and moving into SOMEWHERE, work at Mt.SAC, last Reve company meeting, driving mom to visit Evvy, semi-going away part/sister-in-law's 30th bday, eating shit, dying.

Also, I need to find a gym! I am being torn away from the comfort and solace of my treadmill at home-- forced to succumb to my extreme phobia of exercising around other people. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I WILL END UP KILLING SOMEONE.

I can't believe it's not butter

2008-01-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

This was yet another overwhelmingly strange new year. The list goes as follows:

1. My grandma, the surrogate mother of my youth and the only person I used to watch Bold & The Beautiful with-- passed away on December 30, 2007.

2. That same morning, my "friend-o-drama" Jo gave birth to a little baby girl. I am now an auntie.

3. Spent the count-down on new years driving down the 10 freeway with my aunt from New York; I had just picked her up from Ontario Airport at 11:45pm.

4. Had a slew of funeral arrangement meetings, late night photo collage scanning, and a 11hr Kinko's please-photo-copy-this-shit-correctly marathon.

5. Buried grandma on the 5th. Didn't cry as much as I thought I would-- up until later on that night when I watched Roman Holiday by myself whilst clutching the pillow grandma made me when I was five years old (it's a really old and dirty pillow.)

I begin registration and find out my dorm assignment this Thursday. I am still completely oblivious to the fact that I am moving and that I actually need to pack my things. I am hesitant to make a list because I don't feel like driving around, nor do I feel like packing to begin with. I figure I'll just wear everything I want to bring, topped off with a poncho, and a sack of the shoes I'll eventually wear.

Ate at gr/eats today with Mike, Diana, and David (I had the paella and half of a seared ahi tuna sandwich-- NOT BAD!) We later visited GR2 next door, only to find out that it's INFESTED WITH TERMITES. No joke. I was browsing a display case by the store front window and found a swarm of the bugs chowing down on the wooden moulding. For a moment I thought it was part of an art exhibit-- but, judging by the immediate horror of the shop-girl's face upon asking her about it, I guess not.

Also, still not packing.

I love you public bathroom

2007-12-23T05:01:00.000-08:00

Strange days ahead:
1. Grandma is sick with pneumonia and acute renal failure.
2. Cousins visiting from Philadelphia and Philippines, who for some reason are always asking me to drive them places (and NOT pay for gas?! I do not drive a magic flying carpet.)
3. Have not purchased a single holiday gift.
4. No work for the next week.
5. Am mostly confused (see also: have no idea how to enjoy the upcoming holiday due to sudden influx of possible family loss, with a side of large family gathering.)

If only 2007 could be printed in the form of a gift receipt, I'd make sure that when I show up to the pearly gates, I would ask for a refund-- or at least an exchange? "I would like the things most treasured in my life to spontaneously combust as opposed to having them slowly deteriorate before my eyes please."

(And then I would realize that I am being helped at the customer service desk at WalMart, whose Catholic equivalence translates as Purgatory.)

Most random post ever.

someone I used to date...

2007-12-15T03:00:00.000-08:00

"So today I got away with the most flagrantly rude behavior I've ever committed while in a customer service job.

The customer was being a dick. Glowering, tapping his fingers, feeling he had the right to call me by name just because it was displayed on my little name tag, etc. I came rapidly to hate this man with a burning intensity that completely ignored how brief a time I had been subjected to him. This was the sort of guy who, in high school, I would have either stabbed with a pencil (yes, I really did do that once- in the hand, so no chance of fatal injury) or attacked with a whirlwind of wild but hard punches, or arranged to be expelled. Those who know me well know how occasionally, someone will piss me off just by existing, and sometimes, someone who is genuinely irritating will enrage me beyond all reason (see: half of my Senior class). This was somewhere between those two. I may be mellowing with age. Which would be good, in the real world, you go to jail for shanking a guy with a pencil.

So instead of going to jail, I looked at him as I took his order, and said, "Ok, that'll be $4.08 And you have to quit being a dick."

Him: "Ex-CUSE me?"

Me: "Before I give you food, you have to quit being a dick. Otherwise you can take your $4.08 and shove it."

Quite a bit of back and forth ensued, but I was in my deepest sort of fast-food/customer service despair, which usually manifests as being ZEN right in everyone's FACE. In short, I am so imperturbable that it really pisses people off. So my end of the "back and forth" was the sort of unflinching honesty you only get from someone who feels that he has nothing to lose.

"You walk in here expecting us to treat you like king shit because you have five bucks. (he growls some obscenities) Being on that side of the counter doesn't grant you a superior social position or functioning brain. (he continues to growl something, but I ignore him) You can either treat me like an equal who just happens to be responsible for the preparation of your food this evening, or you can go home."

He went home.

Chris, one of my co-workers, gaped for a minute, then applauded. Chris isn't a bad guy. His name tag reads "Christ." The manager who made it didn't realize what he was doing, and Chris hasn't mentioned it. Like I said, Chris will not be first against the wall when the revolution comes.

My manager, Enrique, doesn't speak much English, and he has a hard time following it when it's fast or emotional, so he had no idea what the guy was talking about, and all he knew was that the guy was barking and swaggering, while I was being totally calm and reasonable-sounding. So he actually came over and comforted me after the whole thing, saying, "Ees okay, man, some peoples are just the... ahss-hohlz."

.........

Years have passed between us, but little does he know that I am QUITE the creepy internet stalker. He was an amazing writer, though I never understood why he always chose shitty retail and food-service jobs. I always thought he'd be a great history teacher and/or uni-bomber-- OR BOTH. He hasn't posted anything in the last few months and I am far too reticent to even email him.

The internet makes me weird.

let's celebrate festivus instead

2007-12-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

Vik Prjónsdóttir makes the best knitted gifts-- though, since they're based in Iceland this comes as no surprise.

I began making one of these last night but then realized that it's never really cold enough here in Southern California to use (maybe for people who go snowboarding?) It seemed like a fun gift at the time, but why should I put a few days worth of needlework effort just to have it occupy the bottom of someone's sock drawer?

I love to make presents, but whenever I'm in the middle of a process, I always hear Mr. Birchum's Gift Guide (KROQ Christmas circa 1995) reverberating in the back of my mind:

"Just because you or your retarded kid made it, it's just going to make it THAT much harder to re-sell. Buy me the finish product, please."

I wish I could just skip the Holiday season altogether. I also wish waitMate (featuring a perpetually creepy/handsome Jeff Goldblum) really did exist; I would take them by the pound.

I do not work, I schlep

2007-12-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

It still hasn't hit me yet that I'm finally moving forward academically (mostly due to my HUGE reluctance to fork up the $500 tuition deposit by this Saturday.) To my friends who already have their own houses and masters degrees-- the fact that I am actually on my way towards a bachelor's and not some other random job wiping old asses*, is a revelation to them.

Yesterday while helping Janine with her classroom's aquarium, I casually mentioned to her about my acceptance into CalArts next year. Her response? Cupping her hands over her mouth while almost holding back tears, I KID YOU NOT. "I'm so proud of you!" she beamed as she gave me a hug, "You're going be so great there!" Seriously, not even my own MOTHER responded to my acceptance this way (also mostly due to my even LARGER reluctance to tell her about anything in my life.)

A little confused at this point, I wondered if Janine's enthusiasm was 100% genuine, or just a conditioned response from a 3rd grade school teacher-- whose daily job is to dole out praise and happy face stickers as if they're going out of style. In the end of course, it felt nice to know that there are still people in your life who act in their own right as your personal Richard Simmons (who I quote, “[Life] is the most magical place in the world!”)

Today is yet another day of le SCHLEP; wandering around, staring at things, being a senior in general. Work at both Mt. SAC and Reve is slow, not to mention the hole in my side that never looks likes its healing.

Also, if you want to blow off $200 bucks in about twenty minutes-- please visit the Coat & Jacket section of yesstyle.com. Unlike the Japanese, who tease the rest of the fashion world with their inaccessible clothing websites-- Koreans give it to you, and OMG DO THEY GIVE IT TO YOU GOOD.

life's not sweet without the bitter

2007-11-28T22:04:00.001-08:00

Things I received for my 25th birthday this year:

1. a trip to the ER.
2. neck and back pains for a week.
3. an avulsion on my left side.
4. watching my dog fall asleep and never wake up.
5. an iPod Touch?

My dog was REALLY OLD, yet it took about three hours and one box of tissue to convince me otherwise that putting her through blood-tests and surgery would not be in her best interest. Clinging onto whatever was left of her, the whole situation reminded me of dad and how mom was in complete denial once his EEG came back negative.

After losing my first dog, I thought I had grown some thicker skin towards these sorts of things-- but nothing gets tougher. Old feelings are revisited, you end up dusting them off and burrowing your face in them again. Dad, Ginger, Grandpa, Hester. A pattern of fathers and female dogs.

In addition to the iPod (something that was completely off-kilter from the aforementioned conga-line of SAD) I got a Dahon full-size folding bike! My wound quivers in ~~pain~~ delight! So the next time I fly off a bicycle going at 25mph, I'll at least have the consolation of knowing that my ride can be conveniently folded-up and placed alongside me in the ambulance. YAY!

signed, sealed, kinda delivered?

2007-10-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

I always have this sudden influx of anxiety whenever I have to sort out the things I'll put into an application portfolio. Schools always ask for your best work to display-- when all you really want to do is bring in a trash bag of all your shit and just have the admissions council pick out the ones they like. Because seriously-- for the $75 application fee, they might as well give you a piggy-back ride to the admission office.

I spent most of my day today scanning, photographing, and spending loads of cash on slides ($50 total for 17 digital to print slides! That was a nice pair of shoes or a boatload of fabric I didn't need, but totally could've purchased!) Still waiting for another letter of recommendation and transcript requests. I'm always waiting around for these things.

While digging around for portfolio info, I came across an unfinished application to RISD circa 2005. Holding the dog-eared paper in my hands, I immediately recalled the feelings of doubt, intimidation, and full blown insecurity I felt while trying to somewhat intelligently answer it's harrowing questions.

'Please outline your future goals and expectations within the framework of your chosen major. What do you expect of yourself within the next four years?'

No more living at home with elderly people.

smug is the new 'fug

2007-10-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to want to "one-up" someone when they're being annoyingly smug? While waiting outside a restaurant last night, I decide to start up conversation with a seemingly cute asian girl (also waiting, but sitting on her vintage-appropriate hipster bicycle.)

Me: "So did you guys go to the after party kegger?"
Her: "Um, no. I've been swigging from this 40oz in my bag the entire ride, so me and my friend decided to peace-out early."

"Wow, nice! Biking back home from this point then?"

"Yeah. I'm an artist?* So, my friend and I are biking back to my artist studio tonight."

Now, a little thrown off kilter I awkwardly reply, "It would be better if you had an artist... yacht."

[insert weird silence-- thankfully her friend rolled up immediately after so I could stop avoiding eye-contact with her]

POINT OF STORY: I HATE it when people make smuggish-type statements in the form of questions. They always feel like, 'Duh, can't you just tell by looking at me?' answers; all of which should be responded with a punch to the face.

No shit? You're an ARTIST?! WITH A STUDIO TO MATCH?!! Yeah. I'm a still-live-at-home-with-my-mom-artist? So, tonight my friends and I are going back to our still-live-at-home-with-my-mom-artist-studios, also known as HOME.

Maybe I'm just a hater. I don't know.

Хуясе КОТИК

2007-10-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I am moving to Russia.

Actual office job, not so bad.

2007-10-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I spent about 98% of my time working in the Advising Center creating this picture of Meowmeow for David's birthday cake. Unfortunately, both Albertson's and Baskin Robbins proved themselves to be a bitch-and-a-half when it came to pre-ordering photo cakes. Minimum time it takes to create a cake is TWO DAYS! That is preposterous for the procrastinator/last-minute retard (i.e. Myself)

So despite the booze, Marie Calendars pie (Thank you Diane!), and copious amount of friends, there was no edible effigy of our cat for David's b-day party. I figure I'll just make a calendar out of this or something-- anyone care for 12 months of Meowmeow wearing different outfits? I can already imagine him in April with a bowler hat and in June, some Ray-Bans.

...

Didn't really get much done today in terms of work-work. HOWEVER. I did manage to bathe my 34718278251 year old dog and carefully remove a huge scab around her right ear. It took about an hour and a half of careful CAREFUL clipping with scissors/suppressed urges to vomit. After the whole ordeal was over I went into SUPERLAZYMODE and decided I had done my fill of busy work for the day-- yet I still missed watching HEROES.

Ugh.

I am on this thing too much.

2007-10-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

Spent most of my day sitting hunched in front of my laptop, pounding out a boat-load of design specs for a winery website whose wine I don't even drink/enjoy (aside from paying me, yes-- BUT STILL.)

Illustration-wise, I have been extremely stagnant. I am not in the place I want to be in terms of art. After our last company meeting regarding design work that we'd put onto our website portfolio-- I'm officially back on the fence with this graphic design firm. Do I really want to work/own a company whose target market is mostly Real Estate agencies, BRO-ish t-shirt companies, and anything else that is totally void of edge (yet replete with mediocrity?) My boss always talks of me moving on to bigger things when I go back to school, but I amicably digress his compliments every time. Why? Because I am retarded. Also because I've been fortunate enough to work with a seasoned designer and owner who is so nice and willing to help me that it's almost disturbing. Every time we talk I try to deduce what makes my boss so friendly (so far I think it's because he's one of those "I-HELP-EVERYONE" Christians; he always has 'Go to Church' reminders on his own to-do list and his dogs are named after famous the Protestants Luther and Calvin. QUITE the sherlock holmes i am.)

I wish my brain were like a piñata: the more i beat the crap out of it, the more goodies will come spewing out.

so far, no snickers bar-- but some new links instead:

lengthwidth.com - Dale's design mag. I want him to become famous already so I can live on his couch again. We had our per-usual 'I AM WHACKED OUT TIRED BUT LETS TALK ABOUT RANDOM SHIT LOL" phone convo earlier today. I hope he finally got some sleep.

bikeboom.com - After last week's INSANE Critical Mass ride through The Grove (on a FRIDAY night) Mann's Chinese Theater, and various parts of West Hollywood, Ken-chan and I are officially addicted to bike riding. Thanks to this calendar, our nights of DVD TV-series-humping/random bar-drinking are no more (which kind of makes me sad inside a little.) Come join us!

twitter.com/random_task - I added a twitter account because because because because. I don't know why. BUT i do believe everyone should add an account so I can stalk the crap out of you 24/7. I am all about the easy access to people's lives as opposed to calling them! HELL YES.

Obsessed? It is debateable...

2007-09-25T10:08:00.001-07:00

Ken-chan and I spent approximately 11 hours yesterday watching HEROES episodes in order to make it to the season premiere. We took a break only to eat dinner.

It is IMPERATIVE that I be productive today to make up for the mind-enema that occurred all day yesterday. I thought I had hobbies-- but I never knew that obsessive DVD-watching was one of them.

Also, KIND OF brain-dead today. Colors and shapes have proven more distracting that ever!

Testify to LA CRAZY

2007-09-10T00:51:00.000-07:00

Everybody has "LA CRAZY" friend; that one particular person among friendships that collects so much drama and bullshit in their personal life, you'd think that they were trying to win a contest for it or something. You'll see these sorts of friends on TV (see also: Jerry Springer guests) but not often in real life-- usually as bad customers or terrible drivers-- but never as a close confidant.

I can't even begin to describe my friend Jo. BUT I CAN MAKE A LIST!

1. When we first met in 7th grade, she was the only girl I knew who smoked Parliments and cloves.

2. Later than summer, after knowing her for about seven months and talking to her on the phone infrequently every other day, she shows up on my doorstep asking me if I could lend her $15 to help her buy a pager.

3. In high school she dated a 23 year old guy whose fixed-up car she impulsively drove off with after an argument. She had no license, no permit. I got a call from her around 3 a.m. from a phone booth in Rowland Heights-- she apparently returned his car with three flat tires. They broke up that night. She couldn't get over the fact that he broke up with her, "over something that stupid."

4. She joined K.I.D.S. (retarded AZN clique-- 'nuff said)

5. After getting kicked out of her mom's house when we were in college, I offered up my place for her to live in temporarily. After about six months (these were actually fun times together) she begins flirting with my older brother who was 8 yrs our senior.

6. She dates my brother, then cheats on him about a year later.

7. The guy she cheats with ends up being physically abusive. He is already the father of two children from different girlfriends.

8. She broke up with said guy after three years of dating/living together. She picks up a (REALLY) bad coke and alcohol addiction. I don't hear from her for about a year.

9. One day I get a call from her HUSBAND; a guy she met on Myspace when she moved up to Santa Barbara. He calls me because she was being hospitalized for a SECOND suicide attempt and was calling out for me to be with her. She goes missing three days later.

10. After searching for her for about a week, I discover that she's in rehab in Wisconsin. She does a "tour" of about three more facilities until she finally moves back home with her mom. We hang out again.

So yeah, time has passed, wounds have (hopefully) healed, and we are still amazingly good friends. I can't remember how many times I've had to pick her up from far away places, console her when she's uncontrollably crying, or be the "middle man" that has to somehow find a way to negotiate with her cholo boyfriend. She is now 5 months pregnant, but she is at peace with her addiction and is genuinely happy with her relationship.*

So where does this all lead to? Turns out that her previous marriage needs to be annulled on the grounds that she was, "not of sound mind and body" before/upon union AND THAT I NEED TO TESTIFY TO THESE FACTS IN COURT.

That's right! This means that out of our 12+ years of being friends, I finally get to talk openly about how insane she is; supported with anecdotes, facts-- hell, even some trivia(!) We are meeting tomorrow night to organize my testimony that is scheduled on Tuesday.

It's times like these where life is also, "LA HILARIOUSLY IRONIC."

* Her current relationship is still with the crazy cholo who used to physically abuse her-- up until a car accident that involved the both of them. It was not a collision, it was more along the lines of my friend going batshit crazy and punching her boyfriends head till he began bleeding all over the place. This all occurred while they were driving on the freeway. And yes, I had to pick her up from this incident as well.

Home-Office Politics

2007-09-05T03:28:00.001-07:00

Even though I now work mostly from home, I am still exposed to insipid-poo-for-brain-co-worker-stupidity via emails, teleconferencing, and on-line task management systems. One would think that with all this non-physical communication, it would be easier for me to handle all the blatant retardation-- but in the end it turns out to be 2471207102873 times more frustrating because I can't 'non-physically sock' my co-worker in the vag. I have so much passive-aggression towards them at this point, it's almost funny/sad.

user485: i didn’t want to hold the mouse for them, but i think our difficulty lies in the fact that they really are more technical people (as in programming is their expertise, etc.), rather than designers. or as what was expressed to naresh, perhaps they just do not see the design details the way we do... i am just wondering why they are still missing out the details. this has been pointed out in previous communication with them. and i am not sure if this is already a function of quality checking.

my_response: REALLY?! THEY ARE "TECHNICAL PEOPLE?" NO SHIT, ASSHAT. THEY ARE BACK-END PHP CODERS. OF COURSE THEY DON'T COMPREHEND WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOURE TRYING TO SAY BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GIVE THEM 7-10 WRITTEN PARAGRAPHS OF NONSENSE WITHOUT A SINGLE VISUAL REFERENCE. GIVE THEM A FUCKING SCREEN SHOT OF WHAT IT IS YOU WANT DONE, NOT SOME LENGTHY ESSAY ABOUT HOW "On the bottom bar, on the “ALL RIGHTS RESERVED”, pls remove the space between “&” and ”.”; and then add 2 spaces between ”.” and “A”." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! WHICH BOTTOM BAR?! HOW LONG DID YOUR FATHER HAVE TO PISS IN YOUR MOTHER TILL YOU WERE CONCEIVED?!!!!! They are simply programmers, so you have to supplement your revisions with pictures in order for them to understand what it is you're trying to communicate as a designer.

...

Note that everything in green is what I deleted right before I responded to their IM. About 40 to 50% of our on-line conversations end up this way on my end because I am unable to reach into my monitor and slap them across the face.

I have problems.

Dear Mr. Ass-of-a-website; Please kiss mine.

2007-09-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

I just finished over 35+ hours of sitting in front of this machine working with people in India on a website about airplane maintenance. Whenever I get stressed working on projects, managing people/info and the like, my brain tends to shut down in terms of 'relaxation.' I spent most of my free time last night (see also: sleeping) fervently playing Katamari Damacy on PSP while awaiting a response from the people overseas. At one point one of the guys named Naresh jokingly Im'ed me with, "You sleep do you not?"

I replied that I black out from time to time (but really, I just find myself playing hand-held vidogames.)

Last night was Brian's (aka The only 6ft/Ripped Filipino In Existence) birthday. I met up with the group at Jumbo's Clown Room in LA. A place that seems to theme itself snugly in-between dive bar/cabaret for scene kids. I watched a girl strip down to her underwear and pole dance (or was it interpretive dance?) to Bjork. Who thinks of these things and gets away with them? I usually get disappointed when I see women dancing for dollar bills, but this one girl was going BATSHIT on that pole to music I usually drive to. (Though I would prefer a small tip hat or jar in front of her performance as opposed to having her crawl around on stage collecting bills; she seemed like more of a Cirque de Solei acrobat than an actual caberet dancer. Perhaps if they were just covered in body spandex? Why is that always my solution to things?!)

It was nice seeing everyone in a group that I only seem to hang out with when there's a birthday. The other day, I drove my mom to a funeral where I met up with another group of old friends that I only seem to hang out with when there's a funeral. Weird.

I need more of 'every day/nothing special/nobody died' friends.

lazy sunday

2007-08-13T00:21:00.001-07:00

Bought yet another ridiculous/ugly/fantastic pair of shoes I don't need.
Taught 6th to 8th graders how to make webpages during the last two weeks.
Did boat-loads of laundry today (this also includes the robust-smelling clothing from the Korea trip.)
Also created my first apple-pipe; wrote my Admissions essay for CalArts.
Bianca comes home (Monday!) But I am still unsure of when I'll really get to see her (she has lots of friends, I think I might have to take a number.)
Will own 23% of Rêve Creative LLC when/if I graduate art school
Am still scared shitless.

a dusty loft bed

2007-07-13T02:56:00.000-07:00

sleeping in my own bed is strange, as I have spent the past year and a half bunking in my grandpa's room. my loft bed, after having cleared a mountain of clothing off of it, has enough dust to reconstruct another human being, let alone send me convulsing with sneezes every time I lie down on it.

i am partly tired (mostly lazy) at the end of my work day to change the bedding of said loft bed. i sleep with a sweater on in lieu of a blanket, and roll up a pair of jeans to use as a makeshift pillow. the mornings are a little unpleasant again; i do not miss the hassle of having to climb down from my bed-shelf when I'm half awake and full of piss.

Diana and I hung out earlier and talked about the possibility of moving to Portland next year. Her determination is infectious. We talked about opening our own gallery/bakeshop, riding bikes in the middle of the night, and fermenting apple cider at home. "We could be a pair of old azn lesbians!"

because everyone loves those.

...

i wish i could go out on blind dates with art schools; anything to get a reasonable first impression/general assessment of how a prospective relationship between us would work out. schools that did not find my stridently retarded, pun-joke soliloquies amusing would be the first off the list-- but then again if this were the case, there would be no other schools left to attend.

...

our trip to korea was amazing and japan was surprisingly pleasant. they both have FamilyMart, thus all is well with the azn homies. i enjoyed korea's 24hr bath houses, corn dog stands, and transit system the most. i did not enjoy all the white rice (it makes me poo shy and hesitant to go out.)

1/4 through a bucket of coffee

2007-05-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

I'm currently at work right now whittling away at all the things I need to do (see also: not doing them.)

I spent the end of my Memorial Day weekend sewing a dress for a girl I knew in a painting class almost a year ago. My motivation to finish this project was mostly guilt based, as I nonchalantly told her that if she provided me with the materials, I'd easily sew her a dress by the end of the semester. Obviously I never got around to the project until yesterday-- and I've spent the most past of my spring semester at school avoiding any chance of running into said girl from painting class.*

...

Lately I've been reading an awful lot of Dawkins and Cudworth writings on atheism, deism, and the like, only to come to the conclusion that I'm far too chicken-shit to face the fact that there could be absolutely nothing to look forward to when we die. I'm an on-the-fence deist at this point; I believe that the inherent design/complexity of everything we know was created by something-- but that thing could totally care less if we stopped singing hymns, sinned our brains out, or forgot church altogether.

This whole idea was challenged earlier in evening when I was hugging David goodbye. The thought of him gone out of my life--forever? No bright-lights, no afterlife, no promise of an eternal happiness simply because I followed a belief system; No more thoughts of seeing Grandpa, or Dad, or Ginger again someday-- nothing. The fear of it all was so overwhelming that I began to cry, not hysterically, but to a point where David thought he had done something wrong.

...

The other night I went out with Kirin and ended up as her 'wingman' batting around conversation with a BRO'd Rick Moranis look-alike, and a guy who kept faking an english accent. I saw Kirin make out with someone for the first time (though it seemed to look more like the guy was whispering something close to her nose) and later ate two basket-fulls of sweet potato fries (HIGHLIGHT O' DE' NIGHT!) Not suprisingly, I've been reluctant to go out since then.

This entry made no sense.

*She once came into the office to make an appointment with a counselor, upon which I immediately hid behind a short file cabinet, pretending to file for a ridiculous amount of time.

happy 'mom-is-not-around' day!

2007-05-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

I was up till 5 a.m. revising storyboard after storyboard, later waking up in my undies sprawled out on the bed-- my hands still resting on the keyboard.

Grandma and I avoided going to church today because we both felt nauseous and lazy. We had coffee for breakfast and watched a young Eddie Murphy negotiate with crazy junkies on TV.

Getting Grandma ready for lunch at my uncles took me about two hours because I took my sweet-ass time bathing her and applying her make up (drew some eyebrows, carefully penciled in some lip-liner, etc.)

Mom is still not home from her trip to the desert. For dinner tonight I'm making her tri-tip with peach salsa, and will overcook random vegetables as a side. Instead of roses, I bought her Lillies of the Valley (because they look just like the Jacobs Ladders in Animal Crossing) and am currently printing her business cards as a Mother's Day gift.

...

Three years ago, my mother and I did not speak to eachother for two weeks straight. I've now long forgotten what it was that we were mad about, but I remember thinking mid-way through the whole ordeal that if anyone was going to come out a winner in this slience contest-- it was going to be ME.

Of course I didn't win in the end.

lost in mystification

2007-05-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's official! We bought the tickets to Korea through All Nippon Airways, meaning that we get to stop over in Japan for a day and a half (see also: wandering, feeling lost, being confused.)

We'll arrive at Narita International and have to somehow navigate ourselves 200 miles south to Haneda Airport to make the connecting flight to Seoul. I figure that with my insanely rudimentary Japanese, people will feel sympathetic-- if not completely embarassed-- by my attempt to find transportation to Haneda. I've already made flashcards with the following statements:

私を助けなさい (help me please)
私はHaneda に行きたいと思うか。(where is Haneda?)
何をこの辺に食べるか。(what should one eat around here?)

Arriving in Seoul is going to be something else ENTIRELY. No longer are we arriving at the foreigner-appropriate/friendly Incheon International Airport, but at Seoul (Gimpo), whose English website consists of nothing but non-clickable picture instructions, intricately detailed maps (all in Korean, of course) and random sprinklings of optimism: "21st century airport with new concept", "Beautiful Flying" , "New and born again airport!"

Bianca, I will be sending you smoke signals.

third persons

2007-04-28T04:36:00.000-07:00

Becky spent most of her day indolently wandering about town with David, only later to conclude her Friday evening with heavy drinks and eggnog muffins at Elliots. Schlepping around in the background of course were current job responsibilites: a dvd package to finalize, memos to read, and work hours to log in. Regardless of impending tasks, lengthy searches of Dita Von Teese photos, the eating of roastbeef sandwiches, and hanging out with her cousin from New York, proved to be more effectual tasks.

For the most part she wished that summer would just hurry it's slothly-ass up and let her graduate from something already, because contrary to investing 6+ years at a community college, nobody gives out a PhD for Attendance.

To whatever extent, an Associate Degree replete in all it's tepid effort, was her reward for what seemed to play out as the most over-extended stay at an Adult Day Care, ever.

dear person who just robbed me,

2007-03-26T03:05:00.000-07:00

it may appear that you have scored big-- making off with my car radio with little to no damage to the vehicle (you still left my trunk open though, you asshat.) However, seeing that all you took from my car was a dated MINI-DISC player, I would have to conclude that the only real victim here is you-- because seriously, WHO HAS MINI-DISCS ANYMORE?!

have a blast trying to re-sell it, 'cause lord only knows how the current trend in electronics is practically BURSTING OUT OF IT'S PANTIES to get it's hands on some hot Sony MD action, circa 1998. FO SHO.

...

Mammoth was lots of fun, though no visit to Devil's Postpile. I still got to play in the snow with first graders, sit in a boiling jacuzzi drunk, and visit Convict Lake aka Pond of Death (no geological features, just a site where a bunch of people died.)

Also finally got to watching '300'. Had it not been for all the testosterone in that film, my gonads would have never descended-- EVER!

i should be packing...

2007-03-23T00:39:00.000-07:00

I tend to get down about myself whenever I read the fabulously embellished lives of others I know online. Though, I should remind myself that everybody is dissatisfied with themselves, regardless of occupation, wealth, or terribly good looks (i.e. Christian Bale's slump into depression after filming Reign of Fire-- WHY DO I REFERENCE THIS?!)

I came across a survey David filled out and emailed to me a while back; as always, it made me smile.

17: tell me something about you that I don't know: When I was in elementary school and my mom would walk to the school to pick up my brother sister and me I would sometimes run home before anyone else and get popcorn and chocolate chips and wrap them into a napkin and microwave it so it was a huge chocolate-popcorn ball and let it cool in my dresser drawer. I also ate some of an old lunchable that was under my bed... but i think it was just the cheese and crackers.

In a few hours I'm going up to Mammoth with my brother and his in-laws. All I'm planning on packing is some sturdy boots, a poncho, and a couple bottles of dessert wine ($7 dolla HOLLA!) I don't want to snowboard, I don't want to sled, I just want to visit Devil's Postpile and marvel at the geometric absurdities of nature.

Speaking of which, Romanesco is INSANE LOOKING.

picnics and tight pants

2007-03-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

it means something when the skin imprint left by the seams of my pants is so deep, that it looks as if I'm wearing skin-pants.

tomorrow-- or today, I'm going to drive out to Castaic and discuss more websites and eat more food and come back home more dissastisfied with myself. lately I find myself becoming more of something I don't want to be this year: a lump of crap. I wake up relatively late, go to work, sit at a computer for 3-4 hours, drive home, sit at a computer again for 5-6 hours (depending on the project at hand/gawker posts), go out late, play racketball, and eat a huge inappropriately porportioned meal. go home, fall asleep reading or playing animal crossing (sometimes both) and repeat it all verbatim the following day.

Whenever I drive to work and the weather is just right (sunny with clouds, a cold breeze) I like to play 'Ceremony' really loud and roll both my windows down as I'm speeding along the cascading hill on the 57. All the noise and air whipping around me create this temporary bubble of complacency and calm; almost to a point where I forget how inherently depressed I am.

...

David and I have been together for two years. TWO YEARS! I've never been committed to someone for that long. We didn't celebrate the occasion with anything (though I secretly wanted to) but he did remind me of the actual date (I had forgotten.) He believes we got together on the 15th of March, the evening of which I first held his hand while he drove me home. I thought we got together on the 23rd-- when one of us gathered up enough gall to kiss (drunkenly) on the couch during Ellen's going away party.

(I remember the following day, Steven showed up at my work to drop off a $200 record player with a vague note asking if we could still be friends.)

The honeymoon romance is over. It ebbs up to the surface of our relationship every-now-and-then but for the most part, we are like a pair of senior citzens. We take long walks, we hold hands, we disagree but never quarrel, we take forever to eat a piece of cake, we are more like pillows and naptime than motors and progress.

living la vida embarazado

2007-03-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

around half-past midnight david and I get this ENORMOUS craving for nachos and chili, but immediately get side-tracked by an equally disasterous st. patrick's day cookie cake, which we devoured in the car while taking swigs from a box of soy milk. we also bought three bags of kettle chips, two cadbury creme eggs, a Lindt chocolate bar, and a tub of guacamole.

at 3 am I woke up to find that we had passed out on the couch snacking on said items, with the UK Office idly playing on the tv.

i don't know what caused this sudden flux of terrible eating when neither of us were high or pregnant.

sunday is the new blunday

2007-03-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was stumbling in-between consciousness yesterday night after sitting through the longest business meeting ever in my life. SIX HOURS LONG. with no food or snacks aside from a glass of sparkling water to suppliment my dwindling attention span/raging hunger. By the fifth hour, I became more intent on listening to the delicious sounds made by my boss's dogs as they crunched on their food in the adjacent room. Gripped by jealousy over what sounded like Fruity Pebbles cereal being consumed, I must of shifted uncomfortably in my seat for a good ten minutes or so while my mouth painfully salivated over my favorite part of a complete breakfast.

By the time the meeting was adjourned, I booked it to Rey's Tepeyac and devoured a carne-asada burrito, which in the end proved to be a terrible idea (tummy aches & rabbit poo.)

...

There are not enough girlfriends in my life these days. When I stand around females I tend to feel disconnected and lonely; like an unshaven bum with a peg leg-- no matter how many times I try telling them my scintillating 'Nam stories, they all just push me away. Talking to Dawn on the phone the other night was nice though; I helped her think of ways to photograph her cats and sucessfuly get her boyfriend to propose to her ("maybe you can make him a roofie sandwich picnic and follow it all up with a garden wedding?") It was nice making someone other than my imaginary friends laugh.

Sad.

Today is Sunday and it feels completely lackluster despite the goregeous weather. HOWEVER! For the first time ever, I am going to make a To-Do list that I'll complete!

1.) Sit at the computer fiddling around with random projects; do not finish any of them.
2.) Play Animal Crossing.
3.) Use the bathroom.
4.) Watch 2039480912093 more Office episodes to make up for the gaping wound that the last episode left behind.
5.) Snack on random things around the house.
6.) Meet with Dale and repeat #'s 3 - 5 in similar fashion.

SO ACCOMPLISHED! Take that Lack of Purpose!

pocahontas envy

2007-03-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

For the past week I've been watching 'The New World' before going to sleep every night, which actually results in me not getting any sleep at all.

It's the jealously that mostly keeps me awake really; what does pocahontas have that I don't?! I hardly bathe, make random animal noises, and love running around in dirt-- yet I still don't get to hook up with Colin Farrell and Christian Bale (who both seem to consistently get my panties in a bunch over how goregeous they are with beards, long hair, and 16th century period clothing.)

david in response, has been growning a beard himself. He tells me that even when I'm half-awake, I still run my fingers through it and scrunch the hairs up in my hands, which is CREEPY. If I like beards so much I should just grow one myself (which sadly, is completely possible for me.)

so current obsessions as of late:

1. beards
2. dirty, unkept, colonial versions of modern european actors

defiance, not passing out while driving

2007-02-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

a small but significant accomplishment for me: driving from san diego to covina-- and not feeling sleepy once!

as such, I would like to thank the following things that aided in achieving this goal:

1. The damp wet-dog smell of Victor's van, to which no bottle of Febreez could vanquish.
2. Kettle chips (i.e. Black Pepper & Sea Salt flavor)
3. A loud and mostly incoherent Ken-Chan, who kept moving back and forth within the van, talking aloud about how hot he thought David's sister was.*
4. A louder and mostly inebriated Elliot.

....

I was supposed to have two meetings today regarding websites I'm designing (aka bottomless conversation about something that should really only take an hour to discuss) but instead I'm going to visit Evvy in Burbank. It's weird, but abscence does make the heart grow fonder, as I find myself missing living with her (FROM TIME TO TIME, FROM TIME TO TIME!)

Right now it's cold, damp, and rainy. A hot irish coffee and a Tove Jansson book sound nice.

* you think it'd be awkward for David, but we both kind of want Ken-Chan to go out with Lisa.

sobbing side-by-side

2007-02-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

i can't shake the image in my head of him, running with hot tears streaming down his cheeks, fervently searching for signs-- just one sign-- one fucking sign, of his mother somewhere lost on a sandy shore. his hands shake, his stomach and chest hollow and twist, as he trembles uncontrollably beneath a pier, fighting the thought of her dead. i can't remove the still of him suddenly relapsing back into a child, running with skinned knees, scraping, screaming, crying out for her.

i wish i could've hugged him longer and somehow let myself absorb some the confusion and pain he's already drenched in. for far too long.

he may not be aware of it, but I collect all his stories for the precious gems that they are; the man that almost kidnapped him as a child, his radial bone that healed incorrectly, the math homework that ruined any semblance of a father-figure in his life. in the midist of all our sobbing he recalls his most favorite memory of her (a beautiful garden in morning rain, walking together under the serenity of an umbrella) and I practically cave in.

...

I find myself praying before going to bed, again. Regardless of all those Richard Dawkins books I've been sifting through lately, nothing can replace the consolation of knowing someone's thoughts are always at your side, waiting to be reached, waiting to remedy.

peels & sleep

2007-02-05T04:21:00.000-08:00

I said five minutes.

I should of told him tomorrow morning.

ex-boyfriend voicemail frenzy

2007-01-28T11:05:00.000-08:00

The other day I recieved missed calls and voicemails from two old assholes in my life (the BRO, and the Abuser) both asking if I wanted to hang out with them (one was about to get drunk while the other could fail a sobriety test with flying colors.) Of course I declined but talked to them anyway for a while, shooting the shit about their botched relationships (no surprise) and total lack of comprehension over the fact that I'm in the best/last relationship of my life. I like Mike's response the best, especially when I told him that Steven had just called and left a message.

"Isn't that the name of that guy you're dating?" Last month he thought David was asian, despite having seen pictures of him.

I look back on all the guys I've been with (only two of the six* total were great. the rest were an amalgam of embarassing/abusive/dysfunctional) only to come to the conclusion that my ugly past with them will always be my fault, regardless.

Also, who continues to talk to terrible hymen & emotional breakers anyway?

Me.

*it really should be five. the relationship between jeff and i lasted for only a day-- of which, a considerable amount of it was devoted to making out, with me being my usual pathetic self (clinging onto him like velcro, because I was alone and sad.)

...

During the critique in class today, a guy described my drawings as being, "so expressive-- they could bring someone to tears." I politely responded with a thank you, but was extremely creeped out. WHO SAYS THOSE SORTS OF THINGS? After class, he kept talking to me about how suprised he was at his own progress in school, but that he'd been drawing all his life, so it's all natural to him. He also tried to extract compliments from me about his own work, which ironically, I could've returned the latter part of his critique comments in verbatim.

"Your ego and artwork are so inflated-- they could bring someone to tears (the kind of tears shed when your retinas are scraped with pinecones.)"

lists, in no particular order

2007-01-22T23:58:00.000-08:00

1. while i was placing some boxes in my grandparents' old closet, i saw grandpa's old red hawaiian shirt (his 93rd birthday: candid pictures of him eating huge watermelon wedges, me having him pose 'cash money records'-style with all the money he got that day) i gingerly felt the fabric between my fingertips and began to sob uncontrollably.
2. a fortune a read awhile back said that my life is uneventful (depressingly, it's true)
3. was to hang out with dale tonight but am too tired and cold to go out. we talked on the phone for a bit instead.
4. went to jury duty today and almost finished reading 'Lolita'
6. found my DS this morning while mom was showing me how to use a manual blood pressure cuff on grandma (who is currently, not feeling well.)
7. there is an overwhelming lack of passion in me right now.
8. i threw out more personal belongings today while cleaning my room, but neglected the website work i'm going to present tomorrow night.
9. i ate one of the tastiest mahi-mahi sandwiches today, with a big side of steak fries.
10. instead of school and work tomorrow, i wish i could ride a bike along the boardwalk (i took a jury excuse form today since i was released from duty, maybe i can use it for another day?)

findings from room excavation

2007-01-20T15:17:00.000-08:00

"I think assholes emit some sort of high pitched squeal that force my entire conscious to become hopelessly attracted to them. Namely, grumpy asians who write yards of beautiful prose about their love life being a piece of shit, yet play videogames all day long. One would think my persistence pays off, but unfortunately, it just adds up in one-word answers via AIM...

... and me, sitting slumped infront of my monitor, questioning my fleeting emtions towards a boy whose whole heart needs more defrosting than Alaska itself."

I save fragments of things I write in hopes that when I read them again in the future, I'll note that the differences between past and present are for the better. That, or realize nothing's changed and promptly hang myself. WHATEV!

I've been throwing out TONS of stuff from both my room and personal life, which really in the end amounts to a moderately-sized landfill full of miscellaneous crap. However, it's always the little pieces of paper containing the scribbled emotions of the moment that I can't bring myself to throw away. I always think that they'll be a treasure to someone else eons later, when I'll only exist in whatever is I leave behind.*

Right now I am overloaded on fish tacos and beans, David is half-awake playing Animal Cross ing on his DS (watching him doze off as he holds the stylus, hearing tiny high-pitched squeaky noises eminating from the game), and grandma is asleep in her room.

I haven't had a good run in a while; my love-handles jiggle in agreement.

* a moderately-sized landfill full of miscellaneous crap

dear netflix,

2007-01-20T01:41:00.001-08:00

Remember that "Umbrellas of Cherbourg" DVD I borrowed from you, from about two months ago?

Yeah, I've pretty much lost it. I can't find the damn thing! Yet, I'm still paying you $10 a month for it-- with money that I do not have.

I hope to find the DVD soon, as it is most likely hidden under the mounds of crap in my car.

However, when I say soon I mean, like, never.

retardedly yours,
becky

admission to OTIS? our feelings are mutual

2007-01-12T14:39:00.001-08:00

apparently, my total lack in desire to attend OTIS (doesn't offer much to me in terms of illustration resources, staff, or experience) is mirrored by their lack of wanting me to go there in the first place.

upon talking to shin earlier on the phone, she asks about when I'm starting school at Otis (the semester, it already began? I wasn't informed!) to which I later discovered that I had sent my high school transcripts (yes, they actually still ask for them after 239420394802348 years of junior college) a little too late.

I think I'm going in for Fall 2007 now. I think.

This is fine, seeing that I'm far too jaded in my own retarded living situation to even deal with working out my new place to live, forking over my nice job at the Advising Center, and stopping my new progress at Reve*. Also, I'm still shooting for CalArts and now, ArtCenter (why not?)

*Reve is turning out nicely. I've had nothing but company-paid lunches, freelance projects (one currently with a budget of $25,000 WTF?!) and an office I simply have to log onto every day. Though I constantly wait for the inevitable life-wedgie, so far, everything's been great.

My to-do list however, is a completely different story. I spent most of my free day today looking up stuff about Divine & John Waters, which also somehow lead to me wiki'ing serial killers (this always happens-- I have no idea why.)

new years, laziness, and time travel

2007-01-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

drinking, card games, sean connery sporting mutton chops and a red thong (see also: Zardoz) and falling asleep peacefully with a soft cat on my chest; i can't think of anything nicer. There was of course, some beligerence and nudity-- not on my behalf though, and nobody threw up so it was all A-OK!

waking up beside david, wading through piles of beer bottles, letting mark discover the miracle of cable television ("you mean to tell me that i had no reason to watch the same three channels for the past five hours?!") we all met up to eat at happy family for some fake meat fantastic.

woke up this morning from the most michele gondry-type dream ever. there was timetravel, voodoo, large 80's cellphones, a younger david, and bianca and I, ultimately screaming our heads off around her old college. In my dream I decide to travel back into a toss-up between 1997 (rudimentary internet cafes and another version of me with ugly hair) and 2002 (bianca in college and a tourturingly cute david.) After colliding with my past self and having the whole space-time continuum ram itself in the ass, I woke up.

My new year's resolutions remain constant since they always remain unaccomplished:

1. Exercise daily.
2. Become Vegetarian (or Seafarian? I still like to eat the ocean animals.)
3. Attend another college other than Mt. Sac.
4. Move out.
5. Spend less.
6. Sew for $$$.
7. Walk my own dog more often.
8. Avoid chocolate for at least five days. C'MON!
9. Maintain a consistent sketchbook.
10. Call people back more. I MEAN C'MON!

do the last three sound like I'm just reaching? probably.

visiting hours while in the bowels of hell

2006-12-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

though i was a complete idiot for deciding to buy sandpaper at wal-mart around 11 p.m. last night (imagine Exodus sans moses, the parting of the red sea, and invariably, TONS of agro people.) it was nice to meet with dale among the throngs of hicks and spend 3847107019248 hours thereafter, talking over coffee at denny's.

i saw steven at church this morning and couldn't think of anything to say other than comment on the ring of fat surrounding his neck. we were cordial with our families and all, but MAN-- why was i with this guy for a little over a year? i go through physical spasms just over the thought that i actually shared part of myself with him.

but his family looks good!

also! bianca comes back home tonight! i'll try to contain my excitement, seeing that she'll only have two weeks to see family, her ass-load of college friends, and somehow try to manage her weird sleep cycle. if i'm lucky i'll get to see her for an hour or so (whilst staring at her from outside her window.)

fotos and friends

2006-12-02T02:09:00.000-08:00

sifting through bianca's flickr makes me miss her. a lot. i also left an assload of comments because the things she encounters in korea are so different from here.

(lazer shows & fog machines at weddings; grandmas who never age, etc.)

the reminders are constant too. i was watching some health program on tv the other day about the significance of cartoon characters in influencing what kids choose to eat. In a test, several five year olds had to choose what they would prefer to eat for breakfast: a banana, or a rock covered in scooby doo stickers.

"i want the rock."
"are you sure-- for breakfast?"

(kid reaches over for rock and happily jumps in her seat)

"rock! rock for breakfast!"

...

for some reason, while uncontrollably laughing at how F.A.S.'d these children were, I couldn't help but think of B-- and how we'd be quoting the show for weeks on end.

"i want rock! ROCKS FOR BREAKFAST!"

addendum: the kids were also presented a choice between a cupcake of the american flag, or a cupcake of elmo. of course, i immediately gravitated towards the elmo cupcake-- because c'mon it's ELMO! so, to be fair, i can kinda see where these kids are coming from.

potato peeling, lack of sleep

2006-11-23T03:29:00.000-08:00

like a terrible one night stand, my 24th birthday came and went. (har?) i am left with an amusing assortment of gadgets, free dinners/drinks, the best pie ever made, and a room empty of grandpa.

i still sleep on the cot; my little bed of various blankets and pillows that is butted against the sliding closet door. there is a large empty space in the middle of the room that almost seems to hum of emptiness. though, i feel as if i've gained more than lost. i'm sure grandpa feels the exact same.

now! time to get back into the mindless routine of a job (my current one as mt. sac's advising center graphic designer, comes to a close as the winter break nears.) i'm torn between the possibility of clothing retail (it would be like getting discounts on DRUGS!) or another job doing graphic design. the latter pays more and is easier to do, as i would most likely not have to deal with clothes horses waving their declined credit cards in my face. also, even though the graphic design job is a bit of zombie work, the day always seems to go by extremely fast for me; my five hour shifts suddenly feel condensed into two, and i don't even break for food or potty!

the time to move out is nearing as well. i have nary both a place to live or people to live with. sharing a place with david would be nice, but we would be found dead underneath our piles of junk in no less than a week-- five days tops. i have so much crap as is. you'd think clothes and fabric would be somewhat of a clutter misnomer, because you can fold them and neatly hang them up, right? HELLS NO! when that shit is in ass-load piles the size of wisconsin, my room becomes sort of wasteland.

i do love Bianca's comment though, "a hobo's room" indeed!

it's almost a quarter to four in the morning, meaning it's Thanksgiving. Already? It still feels like it just turned 2005 for me. So then is it possible to summarize 2006? The year to end all years in terms of important events, in both my own life and in others.

but to summarize would mean to think hard-- a brain function unavailable to me right now on account of no sleep (and reading tons of gossip blogs.)

...

among all the electronics i got for my bday, david's Mobiblu cube remains the favorite; a tiny mp3 player and speaker set that i can accidentally swallow?! What FEATURES! i love it.

i put the 'mew' in 'homework'

2006-10-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

"i could've at least been a useless art major."

oh yeah, as oppossed to being in a shitty abusive relationship and majoring in business finance (see also: Tool) as your coming-of-age meiter. because art majors are just big craft-babies in disguise; we just sit around, snort coke, and fingerpaint all day long.

(while the aforementioned is partially true, the latter is totally understated-- especially when you're really on the whack.)

i've got two paintings, three logo comps, and japanese homework to fellate in the next five or so hours before school. why am i on this thing?! is it because i spent a large portion of my life devoted to a talent, only to have someone tell me that it's USELESS? where are degas, lautrec, and goya when you need their back?!

yes, they are dead.

maybe it was just an facetious comment, BUT STILL! after stressing my brains out over work that's due in less than 72 hours-- it's a total ferret-in-my pants to hear someone say what i do is worthless.

hey, a list:

1. younger cousin with a bun in the oven and getting married in december.
2. grandpa back from hospital; doing well, eating lots of stuff.
3. room is semi-clean with a chance of vaccumed. the weekday forecast looks sunny, unless another 'where the hell did i put it?!' shitstorm approaches.
4. i miss bianca all the time on skype! jane-- get me on this crazy thing!
5. i ate a lamb shank for dinner and this time, it didn't taste like plastic! this is probably because i skipped eating plastic earlier.
6. homework is stil not done. school in seven hours.

time to read more gawker!

2006-10-01T12:24:00.001-07:00

what does it mean when you get into a shouting match with your grandfather over who wants to die more?

lately, everyone at home has gone ULTIMATE WARRIOR annoying on me; all my efforts to appease turn up as just drops in an insanely large bucket. what does it possibly take to satisfy three old people?!

death, ultimately-- but it's means reward themselves with jail time.

the road out from here to art school looks long and treacherous, but i'm willing to sacrifice (no more spending on food! $6 wine is the new slimfast!) also, BIGlots has become my new supermarket, regardless of it's wary 'no preservatives/extremely limiteed shelflife' tags. i'm getting four vegan noodle boxes for $5 and no if's and's or poo-butt's about it!

...

staying up till 4 a.m. watching 'Arrested Development' was a nice relief:

"Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other."

am i the only person who wants david cross and dave attel to be the enxt Odd Couple?

love tears you a new one

2006-09-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

ian curtis, again

i just spent the last hour of supposed 'portfolio-making-time' scouring the internet for more pictures of ian curtis. whenever i find a new one to download i end up staring at it in silence for a good five minutes.

is it because of his music? is it because of his lyrics? or is it just the fact that he totally checked-out early, never having his beautiful display marred by a more current picture of him (you know how it goes-- the doughnut train robert smith & morrisey ride on these days?)

i should be asleep.

kona cove & bagcock lovely

2006-09-18T01:49:00.001-07:00

i ended up hanging out with prized BRO friends Mike and Ritchie at the LA County Fair today, which calls to mind the effeminate question: what could a day at the fair with two BROs possibly consist of?

beer, horse racing, more beer, and-- wait for it-- a botanical garden?

trying to learn the finer points of betting on a horse while drunk was easier than i thought it would be; as long as you manage to give the cashier money and say either "win" or "show" you're in the clear. refraining from wanting to announce aloud your horses' overtly suggestive name (OMGOMG bagcock LOVELY?) and just simply, pointing to their respective number, further secures your bet/public drunken stupor. i think i had won forty cents, but really, i just did it for the experience. :
after a few guiness, dos equis, and a coors (too drunk at this point to preference) Ritchie persuades us into a botanical garden show which was actually, quite interesting to walk around and look at.

so lesson learned today: beer is ok when people buy it for you, horse racing is fun but not in any way profitable, and bro guys are really just big manly queers-- when given lots of beer and flowering plant exhibits.

the science of lazy

2006-09-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

i've been sleeping in a shifty, home-made cot beside my grandpa's hospital bed for almost a year now. i get up during random times in the early morning to give him his nebulizer, suction phlegm from his throat, and noisly talk smack about my mom.

our combined reluctance to wake up early results in the both of us squriming around in our respective cribs; talking about things we would like to eat for breakfast while my grandma sits at the kitchen nook waiting for someone to make her a cup of coffee.

....

last night david and i raided my mom's pantry in order to stock our locker at school. "it's our only home outside of home" he said. though thoughtful and cute, i totally thought our home was victor's house becase we are always there passing out, watching tv, and eating mrs. castellanos's food. i guess now we have a summer timeshare.

....

watching my grandpa try to put his oxygen back in his nose while his eyes are closed, mumbling "scratchy, scratchy things" is in all honesty, one of the main reasons as to why i prefer taking care of him at night. old people to me are like big wrinkly babies that still manage to say the cutest things. negative associations with the elderly however, are mostly due to the fact that they're not plugged up with enough meds. take note!

addendum: my best x 10⁹⁸⁵ friend is in korea and i miss her terribly.

other names for gash

2006-09-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

addendum to drinky-wine fest of last week:

while looking at victors porn i described one girls snatch looking like that of, "yoshinoya."

drill to the eyes

2006-09-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

maybe I should focus on other things-- like portfolios, as opposed to wanting to rob a bank, go bulimic, and backslap the face of every doe-eyed vintage slut i see online. MAYBE.

i miss my girlfriends. i miss calling someone to have a brownie with and talking INSANE amounts of smack. it was my therapy. with bianca in another country, and kirin-- kinda in another country (L.A. is far in both gas and scene for me) my options have narrowed down to david, the occasional jo, and janine. currently david is in tucson, jo is M.I.A. (as always) and janine is married.

so, i'm fucked.

portfolio making = yes
envious glares at 120 lb. fashionistas = y... no.

rap, as enjoyed by an eight year old.

2006-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

the other night while cleaning up at one of my mom's religious parties (aka JESUS THROW DOWN) a young girl by the name of danielle kept asking david and i random questions about school, our favorite colors, and what foods we liked. i told her that my favorite color is green, i'll eat anything as long as i won't vomit it back up, and that i'm in grade 18 (12th grade + 6 years in godforsaken community college.)

i love kids, especially those curious-type kids that i do not, in any way, have to be held accountable for. they hunger for information and likewise i'll give it to them-- filling their voided heads with my half-assed knowledge and experience. in danielles case, i told her to keep up with her fondness for drawing and writing, and that nobody needs to learn math anymore because computers and calculators are here to stay and help us FOREVER. she agreed wholeheartedly. upon asking her if she had any other siblings she hesitantly replied, "I have an older sister, but she's in jail." I immediately told her that that was nothing to be ashamed about, "only if you don't visit her often" and that, "your sister didn't mean to do what ever it is she did. she was mostly likely screwed over by the friends she was trying to help out (i.e. lil' kim doing time over trying to cover up for her back-stabbing hater crew. WORD.)"

we then talked about our mutual love for rap and our hatered for paris hilton, among other things. if only i could encounter more kids like this, then the elementary public school system wouldn't seem too much like the septic tank it's inherently become.

but i can't really say much for myself-- i'm still in the 18th grade.

today, abridged.

2006-08-28T00:03:00.000-07:00

went to eat pho with elliot, ken-chan, and david. apparently while i was drunky mcdrunk drunk on wine the other night, i had not only created an entire song and dance to a casio keyboard melody, but i also tried to use the restroom in richard's bedroom. thankfully, richards reaction was more of confusion than anger or disgust. nice!

stopped by danny's house to drop off his camera. i found him sitting at the kitchen nook, surrounded by children (nieces and nephews), and ass-loads of happy meals. he looked like shit as of a result of drinking a reserviors worth of booze at the golden gopher last night. he then showed me pictures of people we knew in high school, who were now all terribly attractive with power-professions to boot; a definite self-esteem boost no doubt! i wished him a safe trip back home to berkeley and gave him a long hug goodbye.

proceeded to drive out to a t.g.i.f. in cerritos to pick up jo and help her sort things out between her and her boyfriend (she had called me earlier in the day, asking me to pick her up-- something about her clothes being thrown out into the street). when i finally get there she's piss-drunk telling me that the three guys who bought her drinks were, to some effect, "really nice-- but i can't remember their names..." i greet them; three middle-aged police officers from Inglewood named steve, ed, and art. they buy me a strawberry shake and comment on my style having, "flava." they insist on paying the bill and both wish us luck in the recovery of jo's clothing/rotting relationship with her boyfriend.

jo suggests we eat at lucilles bbq first before any awkward encounter. we share a tri-tip, baby rib, and chicken platter with crab cakes, sweet potato, and mac&cheese. food coma ensues, mostly for jo, and she passes out in my car while i try to solve sudoku puzzles on my DS. my car battery dies, we get it jumped. i drive her to her boyfriends and pick up her things while she waits in my car.

at this point, today isn't all that much abridged. i get most of jo's stuff, take her to a travelodge and leave her to her own devices. i drive home and find everyone asleep-- including mom, whose lip was stung earlier by a hornet. sleeping soundly next to grandma, she looked as if she had collagen implants instead.

while cleaning my face in the bathroom, i hear my phone ring an unfamiliar chime. i pick up to hear bianca's beloved voice on the other line. it was 2 in the afternoon in korea, and she was just having some lunch. we talked about her school and how she wanted to literally murder her class of 15 year old girls the other day. she wants to travel to cambodia, vietnam, and thailand for her winter break. all third-world countries! all practically filipino in both language, poverty, and urban under-development! i'm going with her!

david finished watching snakes on a plane. he called to remind me of class at 8 am tomorrow. suctioned some phlegm from grandpas throat before finishing this. read diane's blog and felt compelled to let her know how much i enjoy watching the golden girls as well.

application for admission, SOS

2006-07-30T03:19:00.000-07:00

i sent in my application for Otis School of Art & Design. I hope to get a response from them soon regarding my admission-- or most likely, rejection. at least i tried.

bianca is currently in korea right now. i recieved a drunk dial from her this morning; listening to her slurred voice talk about popcorn and random korean foods made it feel as if she wasn't that far away. i haven't been good saving money in order to get a plane ticket to see her this winter, as i have been splurging again on random, useless things: like clothes, marc jacobs knock-offs, large rings, and an assortment of smocked polka dot summer dresses that i could've easily just made myself. but didn't. because i like to spend like it's going out of style.

today was random/uneventful. made salmon cakes for breakfast, helped around the house longer than usual. went to davids, then journeyed to ikea to look for a wedding gift. went home, cleaned my room (partially-- it's always partially.) diana came over with pizza. shin followed with makeup to try on diana. we got tea, chatted. end of night. i was supposed to hang out with either kirin or alex, but plans were nixed on account of lagging in time.

the only reason i really want to attend otis is so i can be roomates with kirin and live out in LA. how i'll pay for my apartment-- who knows? sell smack? i have to condition myself to let go of this guilt of having to take care of every eldery person within ten feet of me and just pursue what i want. and what i've wanted for so long is to just get the eff out of dodge. i've been doing this routine for far too long.

so, hopefully by next entry, things will be even more different. i'll be in another place, and not entierly dissatissfied with myself.

HOPEFULLY.

shitmas two-thousand four

2004-12-27T04:03:00.000-08:00

a brief snyopsis of the evening:

worked from 6 am to 2 pm, as med-staff, working alongside my gay friend alex. wherein we both complained about our lovers and later, stumbled upon a garbage load of narcotics.

broke up with steven "because he's going through tough times and i need to understand"

managed to seamlessly deposit money at the bank, buy antique stuff, buy a treadmill for mom at wal-mart (steven, while helping me load my stuff into his car, runs into some old friends and introduces me as just, "becky.")

drive out to pasednea, buy craploads at UO.

go home, shower, dress, and wrap mostly everything.

drive to see a very missed ken-chan. hung out for a nice while.

ken-chan drives me off to mikes-- sparkle the family with my oriental delight-- complain to mike on his couch about recent events regarding steven.

drove to stevens-- felt akward, unappreciated and stupid. also, felt lonely and unwanted.

met with dale atop his drive way, gave hugs, small whimper of a cry, and gifts pertainint g to said narcotics.

didn't say bye to steven.

went to midnight mass. felt completely devoid of anything. really just went there to give mom her coat and walk with her.

walked alone to my car shivering in the cold.

on my home, decide to stop by jeffs. knock on his bedroom window several times. he finally wakes up (apparently was sleeping quielty beside kemi) talked for a bit-- gave him two darvocet and one vicodin. bid goodnight.

went home. talked to david for awhile. ate old vegetables and took a vicodin for myself.

presntly, am at computer. somewhat hating steven/hating myself because i realized while at church that i wasn't very loving or affectionate in the end-- and him leaning in to kiss me wouldn't have made a fucking difference in the course of this stupid journey he's trying to undertake.

wokr aagain in a less than three hours.

merry christmas.

no more pot-walks

2003-03-27T00:14:00.000-08:00

Had to leave class because I couldn't handle all the motion and whatnot. Sat with my eyes closed in the car for a bit, then built the audacity to drive around and get food. Sat in Walnut Creek park on a shady bench eating a falfel wrap and about three plums. Then for some other unkown reason, drove down to another park in Walnut and wandered for a bit. Two women eating lunch also probably assumed I was whack-- I mean here I am, with sunglasses on, stumbling around with a broken plastic bag of plums.

...

He was trying to explain to me this logic game on line dealing with moving objects from one spot to the other, and upon playing the game, I asked him what was it about.
"I just explained it to you," he said.

it was only then that I realized, I had been too focused on his eyes and his voice to even remember what he was trying to explain.

88 miles per hour

2003-03-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

... little sentiments I've started to collect, and I fear that I'm going to build a shrine over something so completely effiacious-- time travel and cold fusion seem more tangible than him.

i guess that's as real as it will get. Of all the things that remain somewhat uncertain in my life, finding the right opposite sex remains as one of the primaries. because of my current (rather pathetic) way of living, it's inhibited me from finding myself and him. it's just a crush, and i'm just being lonely and stupid. he's just a boy and i'm just a girl and our hearts will remain a million miles apart, separated by circumstances, friends, family, and ultimately, ourselves.